Resolving Grief or Dealing with Loss
"Anyone who has experienced a sudden loss would highly benefit from Denise's Resolving Grief session. After the unepected and tragic death of a young man, she was able to walk a group of us through exercises that helped us cope with unanswered questions and great sadness. I walked away from the experience with a notion of acceptance of what had happened, fond memories, and a positive bonding experience that I will not forget." Melissa Gillie, Director of Program Services, The Boys and Girls Club of San Marcos
Resolve Grief: Shift Feelings of “Loss” into Resourcefulness
You may want to consider ‘resolving grief’ if you are experiencing any of the following:
- loss of girlfriend/boyfriend/love partner
- loss of a husband/wife/child through death
- loss of a job/business/home/ favorite object
- loss of a dream (e.g.’s: no longer able to have a child or play a sport) or ability (e.g. you used to run and now your knees prevent doing that activity)
- loss of a friend due to geographical relocation
- loss of a childhood when you just can’t ‘get over’ an ‘abusive childhood’
- loss of a pet
- also ‘pre-grieving is highly effective in helping people who are either about to experience a loss or are fearful that a loss is imminent
The ‘resolving grief’ process I teach people is a proven methodology that values ‘who’ or ‘what’ has been ‘lost,’ and allows you to get to the ‘good feelings’ about that person, pet, thing, or event. Contrary to what many of us have been taught about grieving, going through four or five stages, and for a length of time, is not a “MUST” do. Psychologists and Psychiatrists in citing four stages list denial, anger, bargaining before acceptance. Please note that what has been described as “acceptance” is most often “resignation” instead of a ‘quality resourceful resolution’ that people who actually ‘resolve’ grief have been observed achieving.
So to say that there is only one way to grieve has little to do with what is possible. Another approach is powerful and possible. What is needed is an understanding of the mental structure of grief and loss so that you know what to do to change it. Once you discover the key elements that people who successfully resolve grief do, and know what to do, proceeding through these elements can enhance your self-value and honor that person more fully.
What ‘resolving grief’ is not:
- negating the value of a person’s life or your experience with them.
- voiding the challenge and difficulty of developing a new lifestyle yet it can be done
- asking you to dishonor their memory because you replace sobbing and immobility with good feelings of the person’s presence.
- necessarily having to go through what have been labeled as the four stages of mourning: denial, anger, bargaining, acceptance.
To ‘resolve grief’ is to:
- respect and appreciate the love you shared even if a person is no longer on earth with you
- move forward when a love relationship has ended and open to the possibility of loving again
- allow the release of ‘sad and despondent feelings’ associated with the loss of that person
- feel good within yourself for having generated good feelings together with that person
- talk comfortably with full access to pleasant memories and shared experiences with an important, valued individual
- go places and do things without a sense of ‘emptiness’ clouding the experience
- think of the lost person in your mind almost the same way you think of others who are still a part of your life
Examples of People I have worked with and Results from this Restorative ‘Resolving Grief’ Process:
(note: all names are changed to preserve the privacy of individuals dealing with their particular loss and its resolution):
loss of a pet: Noreen, age 40, would cry at the drop of a hat every time she mentioned her deceased cat’s name, Rooney. Even though Rooney had died five years earlier, she did not feel Ok about get close to another cat. After our session, she reported feeling relieved and at ease talking about her cat with others. She reported having a ‘sense of presence’ about Rooney and was now going out to get a new pet to love.
loss of a cherished home: Carin, age 48, had a beautiful Victorian home which she adored and had spent countless hours and money fixing up. When she decided to leave her critical, abusive husband for the West Coast, what she missed was not his unkind words and constant blaming, she missed the house. Twenty years had passed and yet the loss of that home was still haunting her. After a second divorce and loss of another home, she could not get herself to unpack boxes and actually ‘move in’ to her new place. It had already been a year and other than furnishing the kitchen and bathroom, boxes lay unpacked in six other living areas. After our session, where we resolved the two home losses, she felt renewed and was ablaze with activity. She continued unpacking and setting up her new accommodation. The first home remains alive in her mind, bright and vivid, as a centerpiece of a friendly neighborhood where neighbors walked by and shared their hellos and stories.
loss of a husband: Susan, age 60, lost her husband to cancer. His passing was proceeded by an 18 month decline and period of treatment that rendered her ‘traumatized.’ Although they spent the remaining months renewing their love for one another, these were mixed with many unpleasant times. Their healthy pre-illness years together also seemed ‘out of reach.’ After doing the trauma release process as step one in her healing, she was able to distance herself from the unpleasantness and reclaim what she wanted to cherish as valued experiences. Additionally, once we went to step two and resolved his loss, she declared that opening a door to loving a man once again was something she would like to do. Marriage and having a partner to share and enjoy life with were closely-held values for her.
when the person you’ve been dating and romantically involved with is no longer in your life: Dana, age 39, had been dating Jeff, age 40, for 8 months. For a variety of reasons, Jeff pulls back and decides he no longer wants to see Dana. Dana is devastated and despondent and is glued to the couch, weekends and evenings like a black cloud is hanging over her head. It’s as if Jeff is the only person who can make her happy. She cries every time she thinks of him and sees no loving future for herself. “It’s hopeless” and “I just can’t get past this break-up,” she declares. After working together to resolve the loss of this particular individual, she decides she will survive and move forward to love again. She thanks herself for having cared for this man and wants to convey to other people, the important qualities of ‘enthusiasm’ and ‘humor’ she so admired in him. She starts smiling and looking at men once again.
when a best friend relocates and you feel lost : Brittany, age 28, was grief-stricken when her dear friend Summer, the same age, moved to the opposite side of the country. Their history together was lengthy and included speaking and seeing each other regularly. Brittany reported feeling a tremendous ‘emptiness’ due to Summer’s physical absence. Resolving grief associated with her best friend, motivated Brittany to stay in touch with Summer and cherish their friendship with resourceful conversation. Also, rather than thinking of Summer as the only friend she depended on, she started reaching out to other friends and building additional relationships.
when a friend or family member commits suicide: Sammy, 22, a gun owner, was going through a ‘tough patch’ for four years and in a state of hopelessness when he took the gun to his head and commited suicide. Who is left behind to deal with his death? Friends and family members who are shocked and beside themselves with grief and self-blame. “If only I’d called more often and said hello,” says one friend. “If only I’d returned the phone message he left 24 hours earlier,” says a close friend who is blaming herself for his demise. Working together with a group of very close friends who knew this young man for eight plus years, I helped each participant gain the much-needed self-forgiveness that was a first step in healing. After that we were able to do ‘grief resolution’ ceremony as each friend regained a resourceful image of Sam and his important qualities to take with them and share with others.
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